The unusual life of Bilbo Baggins
by Update Bug
Summary: Snapshots into the unusual life of Bilbo Baggins, Hobbit, daughter and ... dwarf?
1. Chapter 1

The unusual naming of Bilbo Baggins

Like many things in life, the naming of Bilbo Baggins could have gone very differently. The very tangled web of existence could have tilted very slightly to the left and Bilbo would have found herself with a rather more usual name. Perhaps an Adamantia or a Ruby or even a Daisy – flower names were after-all very popular in the Shire.

Why if Bungo's cousin Fosco hadn't recently celebrated an important birthday and gifted Bungo with a particularly fine waistcoat, this whole affair could have been avoided. But, alas, the birthday occurred and Bungo did indeed become the proud owner of a beautifully blue velvet waistcoat with delicately embroidered flowers and brass buttons the exact shade of his favourite letter writing ink. (We must take a moment here to mourn that glorious waistcoat, I'm afraid it does not make it to the end of this story).

Indeed, if Holly Bunce's youngest sister had been able to stave off her craving for apricot jam for another forty-five minutes for her husband to get home, she would never have taken a tumble off the chair and landed rather heavily on the steps of her larder. If it hadn't been for that jam, Holly Bunce might have never left her home on that night and, rather than attending to her heavily pregnant sister, the Shire's resident midwife might have still been home when the Gamgee lad knocked frantically on her door.

Of course, even these two things wouldn't have made any difference to the naming of Bilbo Baggins if somewhere, a long way over the misty mountains, a butterfly hadn't flapped its wings.

Xxx

Belladonna's howl of pain was lost rumble of the storm that raged overhead and Bungo threw a frantic glance at the window. The rain lashed against the glass but that was all. The was no faint glimmer of lantern-light from the road. There was no frantic ringing of the doorbell.

"Where is she?" Bella snapped, thumping her hand against the bedsheets

"I'm sure she'll be here soon, Bells." Bungo soothed, dabbing ineffectually at his wife's sweaty forehead.

"I need her here no-OW" Belladonna yelped, free hand clutching at her stomach as another contraction hit.

"There, there, dear." Bungo murmured and felt he quite deserved the venomous look shot his way.

Bella panted miserably, hand clenched around his and fingers spasming in pain. Bungo patted her head again and threw another desperate glance towards the window.

"Where is that Gamgee boy." He muttered.

Bungo did not feel equipped to deal with this kind of thing. He was more of a book-reading sort of Hobbit. He had a vague recollection that boiling water should be a part of the proceedings and that perhaps there ought to be linens involved somewhere in the procedure. Unfortunately the most experience Bungo had with a birth was to be shooed out of the smial with the other menfolk while the women took charge.

Belladonna wailed again and Bungo winced as her hand clenched around his, grinding the bones together.

"Bungo, Bun…go." Belladonna gasped. "It's happening."

"No, it's not." Bungo flailed his free hand, almost dropping the handkerchief. "It can't happen yet! The midwife isn't here. Are you sure it's not just another…" he trailed off and flapped his handkerchief in the vague direction of Belladonna's midsection.

"Pretty…sure." Belladonna bit out. "You need to…get down there. I need to push"

"Me?" Bungo exclaimed feeling his face pale. "I don't -"

Belladonna wailed and Bungo jumped in horror, darting down to the other side of the bed to tentatively peer between his wife's legs.

Much later, having seen far more of his wife than he had ever wanted to see, Bungo stood back from the bed as the tiny, wrinkled infant in his arms smeared blood over his white shirt. He stared in slight befuddlement at the tiny hobbit that he had helped bring into the world and tried very hard not to remember just how that had happened. This task was made all the harder by the fact that it had occurred only moments before.

The baby squalled its displeasure and Bungo was suddenly aware of how uncomfortable it must be to be pulled into the world. He panicked, snatching his new waistcoat off the chair it had been draped over and wrapping the child in it before glancing round for anything edible for the child, perhaps some nice warm tea.

"Bungo." Belladonna said, voice faint with exhaustion. "You're panicking again."

Bungo glanced up from the child. Belladonna had collapsed backwards onto the bed's pillows. Dark curls escaped her plait and plastered themselves to her face which gleamed with sweat in the candlelight. She had never looked more beautiful.

"Sorry dear?" He murmured, awkwardly rocking the bundle in his arms.

Belladonna cocked an eyebrow, "You were mumbling again. Something about tea."

"Oh, right." Bungo muttered. "That's ridiculous babies can't drink tea."

Belladonna smiled softy, seemingly too exhausted to respond and held her arms out. Carefully, Bungo placed the little treasure in her arms and pulled the duvet over them both. Belladonna grimaced at the thought of staying in the sweat stained bed but was far too tired to move.

She slid the baby's head into the crook of her elbow and rocked him gently, muttering nonsense until at last his wailing stopped.

"There, there." She soothed, "It's okay."

As if he understood, the child opened his eyes and stared up at her. Belladonna gasped in awe. The baby's eyes were as blue as the blanket that Bungo had wrapped him in – as blue as his father's eyes had been.

"There, there." Belladonna smiled, eyes drifting closed. "It's okay, Bilbo."

Xxx

A sharp rapping on the door startled Bungo awake. He jerked upright and looked round, not entirely sure where he was or why he was sitting up. On the desk in front of him he caught a glimpse of fine, white paper, the name Bilbo Baggins etched across the middle in his finest calligraphy.

He spun round and saw his wife and their son, still safely snoozing away in the bed. After Belladonna had fallen asleep Bungo had wobbled over to his writing desk and downed a dram of the whiskey that he kept in on of its draws. Still trying to get the rather disturbing sights of earlier. He must have fallen asleep.

The rapping came again and the newly christened Bilbo mewled unhappily in his mother's arms. The rain outside had stopped and Bungo realised that the midwife must have come at last.

Xxx

Now, perhaps if Holly Bunce had not spent the day worrying over her younger sister and perhaps if she had not just received another caller regarding a pregnancy over the hill, she would have done more than given the birth certificate a cursory nod.

As it was though, the exhausted women merely gave the mother and child a quick check and, upon declaring them both healthy, if tired, snatched the certificate from Bungo's hands. As she left, Holly called over her shoulder that she would drop the certificate off with the Shire's record keepers on her way home that evening.

Now, perhaps if Holly had given that certificate more than a glance the mistake would have been noticed sooner. As it was it wouldn't be until the next morning that Belladonna would unwrap Bungo's waistcoat from around there 'son' and notice something missing.

Bungo was all for retrieving the certificate from the records, but Belladonna, a far more superstitious mind was adamant. Bilbo was the name they had given and so, Bilbo their daughter would be.

Of course, this is only one part of the unusual naming of Bilbo Baggins.

The other is, of course, that the child was not in fact a Baggins at all.


	2. Chapter 2

The unusual courtship of Bungo and Belladonna Baggins 

_Snapshots of conversations between Belladonna Took and Bungo Baggins about family, courtship, and the men that they love._

There were many Hobbit lasses who could truthfully say that they had met their future husband in a field. The Shire's farms were bountiful and spread far across the its lands. A gregarious and friendly race, Hobbits were, on the whole, keen to make new friends and always up for a chat. There were not quite so many Hobbit lasses willing to admit that they had first met their future husband in a field, trousers round their ankles and getting thoroughly acquainted with your cousin.

"Really, Sig," Belladonna drawled, eyes delicately shaded with one hand and mourning the loss of a rather nice strawberry tart that she had been forced to drop. "A Baggins?

She risked a glance through her fingers at the Baggins in question and was amused to note that he had turned redder than the tart. His trousers were thankfully returned to their proper place, though he'd chosen to clutch the neck of his shirt closed at the collar with both hands, rather than fiddle with the dozen buttons. Sigmund was, of course, reclining on his elbows in the grass, trousers barely fastened, shirt off and self-satisfied grin in place.

"Nothing wrong with a Baggins, Bell." He said, stretching languidly.

"Sigmund," The Baggins in question hissed, swatting at him with one hand and squeaking as his shirt slipped.

Sigmund shrugged, squinting at Belladonna with something very close to trepidation in his brown eyes as he carefully angled his body to be slightly further in front of Baggins.

Belladonna frowned and drew herself up to her full height, crossing her arms in front of her. After all, it had been a particularly lovely tart.

"Shouldn't you be helping uncle with the harvest?" She asked doing her best to channel her mother's most firm, no nonsense tone.

"Shouldn't you be having tea with the Sackville-Baggins?" Sigmund shot back, eyebrow raised. "Rather than flouncing off somewhere with…" There was a pause as Sigmund examined the broken remains of her tart. "Is that a family recipe?" He asked in sudden interest. "Who are you visiting with a family recipe?"

Belladonna froze and tried to surreptitiously scuff the white cloth that the tart had been wrapped in further over the top. Sigmund grinned, flopping backwards even further to prop his head up against Bungo's leg. Bungo blushed even further and Belladonna noted with interest that the crimson was starting to spread down across his collarbones.

Sigmund folded his arms smugly and glanced up at her from beneath his lashes. The afternoon sun caught against his dark eyes, turning them ochre. The two of them shared a long look. It is the look shared by siblings and almost-siblings across Middle and indeed, Outer, Earth. It said; I have as much on you as you have on me.

Accord struck, Belladonna flicked her hair over one shoulder, abandoned her delicious tart and continued on her way. She had someone to meet.

Xxx

Belladonna held the stunning blue thread up to the light, considering whether to embroider the handkerchief with something more familiar like flowers, or whether to try something more risky. She thought she might be able to replicate some of the runes that she had seen on her beloved's cloak and, the thread was almost the exact shade as his eyes.

She frowned, she should probably stick with the flowers. She wasn't entirely sure what the runes meant, and it wouldn't do to accidently embroider something insulting. A few short stitches later and Belladonna had the beginnings of a trio of Forget-Me-Nots edging the corner of the fabric.

"Have you seen your cousin?" Laura Took ne Grubb demanded clattering into the resting room with her usual busy energy.

"Not recently Mama," Belladonna said, sticking her tongue in her cheek and examining her work with a sceptical eye. "I think I heard him Isembold and Hildifons say something about a raid at Farmer Maggots though."

Laura scoffed, "Of course they did. Honestly, I don't know what I'm going to do with those boys." She complained, bustling back out of the room. Her footsteps thumped down the hall and then there was a loud thump as the front door slammed behind her.

There was a brief silence that Belladonna took advantage of to litter a few more flowers across the plain fabric in front of her. Then, the cupboard across from her opened and Sigmund sauntered out, jacket flung over one shoulder and braces half undone.

"Thanks, cuz." He chirped, flicking a salute in her direction and swaggering out of the room.

A few moments later the door opened and a significantly more sheepish Bilbo sidled out. His hair was rumpled but apart from that he had made a far better effort of putting himself together than Sig had.

"Bilbo." Belladonna said, nodding cordially.

"B – Belladonna" Bungo stuttered flushing and refusing to make eye contact as he followed her cousin out.

Belladonna snorted slightly and added another stitch.

XXX

"Did you absolutely have to see your dwarf today?" Sig griped, fingers laced in front of him and attempting to boost Belladonna up into the open window above her.

"Hey!" Belladonna hissed, jabbing a finger at him and almost overbalancing. "I cover for you and your Baggins all the time. You can boost me through one window."

"I just don't get why I'm boosting you into the bathroom." Sig hissed back, hoisting her higher.

Belladonna grabbed hold of the windowsill and stated pulling herself through. "Because." She began. "I told Mama I wasn't feeling well earlier and then locked myself in this bathroom and shimmied out the window. I can't exactly just wander in the front door."

"First rule of sneaking out Bells," Sig said, letting go of Belladonna's legs and stepping out of kicking range as Belladonna pulled herself halfway into the bathroom. "Never climb out a window you can't climb back in."

Whatever Belladonna would have said was cut off as she slid in though the window and landed head first on the floor with a loud and painful clatter.

"Bella? Are you alright?"

"Fine, Mama!" Belladonna called before her face appeared back in the window. "Thanks." She whispered.

"No problem, cuz." Sig said. "Make sure to say hi to your dwarf for me next time you see him."

Belladonna flushed furiously and slammed the window shut on Sigmund's laughter.

XXX

The sunlight was filtering through the branches of the willow that they were sat under, casting flashes of red and gold beneath Belladonna's eyelids as she and Bungo sat by the banks of the river, her head pillowed on his thigh and fingertips tracing the engravings on the dwarven marriage bead hanging round her neck.

"So, your dwarf," Bungo began. "Are me and Sig ever going to meet him."

Bella groaned. "Come on Bungo, don't start that again."

"I'm just saying. I think we should meet him."

Bella huffed, rolling onto her side and opening her eyes, staring down at the river. "It's not that easy, Bun, you know that. I can't exactly bring him round to meet my parents any more than you can take Sig home with you as anything more than a friend."

Bungo patted her hair apologetically and they lapsed back into a comfortable silence.

"I want to build a smial." He said eventually.

"What?" Belladonna exclaimed at the non-sequitur rolling back round to look at him and almost bumping her head into his stomach. "Why?"

"Well," Bungo said consideringly, tilting his head up to look at the canopy above them rather than her. "I think it would be nice. Somewhere new. Plenty of room. And everyone in the Shire has rather come to the conclusion that we are hopelessly pining for one another. It would make a good wedding present."

Belladonna swallowed, looking up at him.

"No-one would say anything about you going on so many adventures and running off out the Shire if we were married you know, or, well, they would. But they couldn't do anything about it. They'd just talk. And, it'd be a big house. If you ever wanted to bring any dwarven friends to stay with us I wouldn't mind."

There was a pause, then Belladonna broke into wide smile onto her face and tilted her head back. "And I suppose if my cousin happened to move in next door as a confirmed bachelor there wouldn't be anything anyone could say to that."

Bungo blushed, the smallest, sweetest smile flickering across his face.

"I don't think 'my dwarf' would go for that." Belladonna apologised, squeezing Bungo's knee. "Dwarves can be a tad possessive. I wouldn't do anything he wasn't happy with."

"Yeah." Bungo smiled back. "I'm still going to build a smial, though. I think it'll be fun."

Belladonna laughed. "Do you actually know anything about building a smial?"

Bungo winked cheerfully. "How hard an it be?"

XXX

"I'm just saying that it's a really lovely thing that you're doing." Flora Cotton said, edging closer to Sigmund and batting her perfect eyelashes at him.

With what was a frankly herculean effort, Belladonna manged to restrain herself from rolling her eyes, smothering a laugh with a large gulp of wine. It was her older sister's birthday and she and several of her other age-mates had wound up in a conversation circle hovering near the food table in a group that included Belladonna, Bungo, Sigmund and about five different girls vying for her cousin's attention.

"It's true," Angie Proudfoot said, edging closer and resting her hand on Sig's arm. "My brother would never agree to chaperone so often." She finished it with a breathy sigh and gave Sigmund a pointed look, angling her chin down into her best angle.

Sigmund laughed, trying to edge closer to Belladonna without being too obvious about it. "Well, you know how it is," He said. "Gotta look after my favourite cousin. Plus, Bungo's alright," He threw a wink at Bungo and half the girls swooned. "For a stuffy Baggins anyway."

"And you're alright too," Bungo replied. "For a reckless Took."

Sigmund threw back his head and laughed, dark hair cascading back over his shoulders in a tumble of curls and exposing the tan skin of his neck. Belladonna used her skirts to stomp on Bungo's foot as he gazed hungrily at the exposed arch of Sig's neck. The two idiots were entirely unsubtle. She could only imagine that the only reason they hadn't been found out yet was because the rest of the Shire could be remarkably oblivious at times.

"Still, it really is so kind of you." Flora said edging closer. "So selfless."

Belladonna shared a glance with Bungo and the two of them smothered their laughter in their cups.

XXX

"Hold it straight."

"I am holding it straight."

"You are not."

"I am."

Bungo tapped his hammer against the palm of his hand and examined the doorjamb in front of him. The very crooked doorjamb. That, no matter what he said, Sig was not holding straight.

"Hi."

Bungo jumped and the hammer slipped out of his hand, almost hitting him in the foot as it clunked onto the floor.

"Bella!"

"Bells!"

Bungo spun round to see Bell hovering just inside the curtain he'd set up to partition the future study from the atrium. She was uncharacteristically quiet, her hair braided back out of her face and a bundle of rough oilcloth clutched to her chest.

"Are you alright?" Bungo asked. "We didn't expect you today, I thought you were visiting your dwarf."

Belladonna's lip wobbled and then she burst into tears. "He's gone!" She wailed.

"Okay," Sig said from the study. "I'm gonna put this down."

Bungo ignored him, bustling Belladonna into the nearly completed dinning room with a gentle arm around her shoulder and sitting her down. Belladonna curled into him, burying her head into the crook of his neck and shaking with near-silent sobs.

"Hey," Sig said arriving in the doorway with a large mug of freshly brewed tea in his hands. "What happened?"

Belladonna sniffled and pried herself far enough away from Bungo to accept the tea and hug it close to her. "He's gone. There's a war. He said he had a duty to his people to see their homeland reclaimed."

"Oh Bells," Sig sighed, cuddling in close to her. "It'll be okay. He'll be back."

Belladonna shook her head furiously, braids whipping back and forth. "You don't know that." She muttered. "You don't know"

"I know Bella, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." Bungo whispered sharing a helpless look with Sig who just moved closer. He didn't know what to say either. Hobbits weren't built for this sort of thing. Wars and fighting. They held her until her sobs wound down to nothing and the sunlight dwindled to nothing outside the windows.

Bella sniffled, finally taking a sip of her, now cold tea, and sitting up, scrubbing a hand across her face. The bundle in her lap clinked as she moved.

"What's this?" Sig asked, tugging gently at the corner.

Belladonna took a shuddering breath. "He said he didn't want to leave me undefended. Then he put his beads in my hair and left."

Putting the mug down to one side, Bella flipped the oilskin cover off.

"Wow." Sig breathed.

Nestled in the cloth sat two delicately pointed knives. Their blades gleamed in the candlelight, a moonlight silver base that contrasted pleasantly with the dark pattern of blocky runes running down from the handle. The handles themselves had been bound in soft brown leather and finished with some sort of clear crystal embedded in the pommel.

Bella traced the edge of the blade and then buried her face in her hands as she wept.

"I'm sorry Bella," Bungo whispered, running a helpless hand down her back. "I'm sure he'll be back. He loves you. I'm sure he'll come back."

"Yeah," Belladonna whispered, voice muffled. "He has to come back."

XXX

Someone was knocking on the door. Bungo frowned, half certain he was imagining it. It had been raining for nearly a week and with the terrible weather most hobbits had chosen to stay in. The knocking came again, a loud frantic banging that threatened to knock his newly installed door off its hinges.

"All right, all right." Bungo called, "I'm coming! Although really this is not the time to be making house ca… Bella!" He exclaimed as he opened the door to see her standing outside in nothing more than a day dress, soaked to the bone and staring blankly at him with a dead-eyed stare.

"Well, don't just stand there, come in, come in." Bungo said, grabbing her firmly by the elbow and leading her into entrance hall. "What were you thinking coming out in this without so much as a coat?" He scolded, grabbing a towel from the linen closet and draping it around her shoulders, noting with disapproval that she had begun shivering violently. "You could have caught your death, let me get you something to drink."

A tug on his waistcoat stopped him as he went to bustle into the kitchen. He turned back.

"Bung." Belladonna whispered in a voice that cracked like glass and Bungo realised for the first time that not all the water on her face was rain. "Bung. The river's…the river burst its banks."

Bungo staggered backwards. It had been years since the last time that had happened.

Bella's face crumpled. "They, they found Sig. They think he was coming to visit. Auntie, auntie says he must have snuck out.

Bungo felt very cold. The room was starting to blur at the edges and something in his chest had grabbed tight to his lungs and was _squeezing._ "What are you saying?"

Bella shuddered, fresh tears spilling down her face. "Bung, Bung I'm so sorry, so sorry. Sig's dead."

And the room went away.

XXX

"I didn't expect to find you here." Belladonna said, picking her way through the grass to sit in their old spot, beneath the willow and next to the banks of the river.

"Neither did I." Bungo said, staring bitterly down at the water.

It had been two weeks since…Sig. Bella had never expected to see Bungo near the water again. She leant against his side, wrapping an arm around his waist and hoping it helped. From the outside anyone in the Shire would have thought they were the perfect example of young love. Him comforting her after her cousin's death. Only they new the truth.

"Are you okay?" She asked, peering up at him.

"I built BagEnd for him you know." Bungo said, picking at the grass beneath his feet and tossing it towards the river. "It was stupid. We were never going to be allowed to live there. Not as us. But there was part of me that hoped…" He trailed off.

"Yeah." Belladonna laced her fingers with his. "I know."

"I loved him."

Belladonna smiled sadly. "I know. So, did he."

"Yeah."

They trailed off. Belladonna didn't know where along the river they'd found her cousin's body. She didn't want to. That part of the Shire would be ruined for her forever. It was bad enough seeing Sig's smile on Isengrim's face and hearing his laugh in the halls of his home without also seeing his ghost. She wanted him _here_.

Belladonna swallowed, staring across the river. "Bungo." She said.

"Yes?"

"I'm pregnant."

XXX

Bungo and Belladonna Baggins ne Took were married in summer. Belladonna's dress was carefully tailored to mask the small curve of her emerging baby bump, although by that point everyone in the Shire were well aware of just why they were having the wedding so quickly. It wasn't uncommon. And the important part was that they were having the wedding.

Everyone who attended agreed that it was the most beautiful affair. The flowers were lovely, the weather fantastic and the bride divine. Plus, the groom's family had been very generous with the drinks which certainly helped keep everyone merry.

Despite the differences between the two families everyone agreed that, in light of such a tragedy, it was good to see such a fine example of young love. And, if Belladonna chose to wear another man's beads around her neck and, if Bungo's pocket kerchief bore the initials S.T. well, neither of them were telling.


End file.
